When I met Jane just a few short months ago, she was going through a very challenging time. She had recently lost her father and despite knowing what she should do to help herself through the pain of his loss, she was struggling with moving forward.
We spoke for a long time as she shared with me the love that she had for her father and how she wished she had spent more time with him during the past few years. She did not know that he was sick, nor that he would die so quickly after being admitted to the hospital following a fall.
There was heaviness in her voice and the regret that she felt which, she admitted was paralyzing for her. She wanted desperately to feel relief but wasn’t sure what else she could do.
To help her to view what she was going through in a way that empowered her rather than paralyzed her, here are some recommendations that helped her and may also help you or a loved one:
1. Regret is toxic. Know that you did what you thought was best at the time and that had you had known what the outcome would be, you would have made different choices. Forgive yourself the way you would forgive a loving friend who unintentionally did something for which they felt sorry and regret. Holding on to what could have been will eat away at you, cause you to stay stuck and can eventually lead to illness and disease. Let it go by forgiving and loving yourself.
2. Grief is energy; release it to feel the relief. Grief is a very powerful energy that brings with it a multitude of feelings and emotions. It’s dark, it’s heavy and it’s relentless. It’s also unpredictable and comes at us in waves. The only way to truly let go of the energy of grief is to feel it and move with it. It needs to move therefore you need to move too. Do something physical such as walking, running, cycling or dancing. Engage in a small project that involves art such as painting, drawing, crafting or a medium that you enjoy. It does not have to be for a long period of time nor do you have to be good at it. By engaging in a project that has you releasing this energy by using the creative side of your brain, you are increasing the endorphin levels in your body, which brings comfort and positive energy to your body, much like exercise does. There are many other ways to release the energy of grief. You can download the resource “Moving Forward After Loss” which provides many other suggestions.
3. Create a new vision for yourself and take small steps every day to live it. We’ve all heard the saying that time heals all wounds however it’s not the time that heals our pain; it’s what we do with that time. Often when we are feeling stuck and overwhelmed, it’s because we don’t know what to do next or how to move forward. Rather than reliving the past and thinking of the future without what it is you are longing for, begin to dream a new dream for yourself with your memories and your special thoughts. Honour the person and/or yourself by deciding to live each day in memory of rather than in spite of. Be the person you want to be and move forward knowing that each decision you make, each step you take, each moment you live you are creating a life that is yours to create.
Jane and I speak regularly and the pain of her loss is easing. She has forgiven herself and has become active with daily walks, regular impromptu painting sessions in her home (that she says are for her eyes only) and an understanding that she is the daughter her father loved and continues to love from above. She has told me that creating a revised vision for her has inspired her to honour her father every day.
