“She looks so frail”, I think to myself as I hold her cold hand in mine. I want so much for her to know what she has meant to me.
As I watch her chest rise and fall, breathing the air that is keeping her alive, I long for her to stay so she that she can continue to be a part of my life.
I know that our time together is coming to an end and yet, to hold on, to long for her to stay, is all I want.
As she lay there, my hand holding hers, I make a promise to myself, to her in spirit, that I will honour her and share our story.
This was over six years ago, that this moment with my mother took place. She was at the hospital, where I had become her primary caregiver for nine of the last ten weeks of her life. I didn’t know it was going to be a journey of so many challenges and emotional dives; I also didn’t know that it was going to be one of the richest experiences of my life.
As I journeyed by my mother’s bedside for all of those weeks, I couldn’t help but think that there was a bigger force at play, that something bigger than the two of us, of all of us, was guiding things for she and I.
She was preparing to leave the physical world, and in part, I was too. For years after her death, I hibernated in my books, going back to “school” for certifications in what I wanted to understand better – death & dying, bereavement, and yes, funeral services too. I wanted to understand all that Mom had gone through, what I had gone through, and was deeply going through, to come out on the other side knowing, understanding, being more attuned to the end of life journey that we will all go through.
That experience got me to cocoon. To go back. Be still. Look inside. Explore.
It also got me, over the past six years, to decide it was time to birth me again. It was time to birth my ideas, my inspirations, my designs of imagination.
Last night was one of them.
Last night was a moment that was born many years ago, after Mom had died, and I knew that when the time would be right, I’d birth me and the next chapter of my life’s journey.
The women who were present at the kick-off dinner of the More Than Just Business women’s community were warm. They were friendly. But more importantly, they were part of a dream I had several years ago, much to their own not-knowing.
The small intimate gathering was perfect as it was a the intimate birthing of my new beginning.
It was my hope that they too were imagining their own rebirth or the birthing of their own beautiful and majestic ideas and inspirations.
All I know is that I still feel myself holding Mom’s hand, watching her breath as I thank her for her guidance and support, and for being an inspiration to me, long after she has left this physical world.
I love you Mom. Thank you for being there last night. It was great to share that with you!
