“Mom, I’m moving out at the end of August to start my life with my fiancee.”
I looked at him and my heart sank.
“Are you serious?”, is all I could say.
“Yes.”
And in that moment, I knew my life had entered another time of major transition.
After 23 years of having my sweet, gentle, loving boy home every day, every night, to talk to, to cuddle and to be with, he was leaving home.
Since he made his announcement, I find myself walking by his bedroom, trying to envision him no longer there. I guess I’m trying to prepare myself for the pain I will feel. Perhaps, it won’t be so bad if I practice it, I think to myself.
The tears have been flowing freely for a few weeks. The thought of him no longer being home for dinner, sleeping in his own bed, hearing him play his video games, or just being able to see him every day….it’s a pain I didn’t recognize although it’s becoming quite familiar.
I know it’s a mamma thing. My husband isn’t feeling the visceral depth of this sadness like I am. I feel it at my core, at the centre of my being. It’s deep. And it hurts.
Oh, I know he’s not dying or dead. I know he will come home for Sunday dinners and be there when I want to talk to him. I know all that.
I also know that it’s a right of passage, something we all have to go through, something we are fortunate to go through. I know all that too.
But it doesn’t take away the pain. It doesn’t take away the sense of how much I will miss my baby boy.
I posted this article on my timeline,“I was the sun. The kids were my planets”, as it captures what many of us moms are feeling as we send our children off to college or university, and in my case, we send them off to start their adult lives living on their own.
Within a few minutes of posting, a mother wrote to me asking for advice. She knows that I work with women privately to help them through these life transitions. “I feel like I’m drowning”, she said. “Do you have any advice?”
Knowing exactly what this time of life means to moms, and having worked with many who have gone through loss, grief and major life transitions, here is what I recommended to her:
1. Know that what you are feeling is normal. Don’t try to suppress it. Feel it and let it move through you. If you need to cry, cry. It comes in waves. Let it wash over you, and then release it.
2. Talk to your kids about how you are feeling. Let them know how much you will miss them. They will miss you too. Keep the dialogue open and create a bonding ritual just for you and the kids….something you promise to do when they are away. Write an email or text every day to say good morning or good night. Share a photo from each of your day, and send it to each other sharing the joy of a moment. I’m sure you’ll use technology too – FaceTime or Zoom to see each other.
3. Write your feelings down, journal, or paint them, or colour. Do something to let the energy of sadness move from your body, through your hands to paper, canvas or another medium you prefer. Let it move through you in this way.
4. Make yourself a priority. What have you been wanting to do that you haven’t done before? Having them away gives you more time to do other things. This can be tough if you stay stuck in the feelings of loss and loneliness. Missing our kids is normal and having that empty feeling is too. The way to fill yourself up is to do something that brings you pleasure and joy from the inside out.
5. Self-care – use meditation, go for walks, exercise, play, dance, read, take baths…something to nourish you. What you are going through is tough. And don’t let anyone tell you you’re over exaggerating. This is a mamma thing – dads don’t feel it the same way we do. For us, its visceral. It’s at our core. A part of us, of our #1 job in life, who we are is leaving and we have to move on into a new experience of not having them with us.
I know I’m not alone in what I’m going through. It is a right of passage. I am so very proud of my son and my love for him is eternal. I’ll get through this phase, and so will he. And together, we’ll build a new relationship as mother and son.
