When my mother was in the hospital and dying eight years ago, I experienced something I had not expected between my siblings and I. I felt hurt and alone and I couldn’t understand the choices they were making. I have come to learn a lot since then through my Death & Dying and Bereavement studies and subsequent studies in interpersonal relationships during challenging transitions. If I had known then what I know now, I would have had a much different interpretation of what they too were going through.
When my father was dying last April, our experience as a family was far different and much more positive. We had all learned a lot from losing our mother that when it came to our time with Dad, despite his journey being far shorter, we rallied and supported each other in a very different way.
As I share and provide you with resources to help you and your aging parents, I know this is an important topic to bring to the forefront of this month’s curriculum. At Moving Forward Matters and at 1-800-GOT-JUNK? Ottawa, we deal with these situations every day with the families we help. Our relationships with with our siblings are so important and when there’s a crisis, it often tests us in very difficult ways. To assist you or someone you know who may be dealing with a crisis and having sibling challenges, here are some tips to help you or them navigate the journey.
1. Air out expectations from the beginning. Most problems arise when expectations of someone else are not met. One person may expect another to do something and they do not. Their lack of meeting that expectation causes frustration, anger and disappointment, which can ultimately lead to conflict and fighting.
To avoid causing any friction long before there is a crisis, discuss expectations should a parent become ill or require additional help and support. Discuss roles and responsibilities that each of you can agree upon and be there for each other using these set expectations.
2. Know that each individual deals with stress, transition and loss differently. When parents become ill or their physical or cognitive capabilities change, your reaction and integration of these changes into your life will be different from that of your sibling(s). Each of you has different life experiences and how you internalize what you are experiencing will not match how others go through their experience. Recognize that being different can be very positive, as it will allow you to bring to the experience your strengths while they bring theirs.
3. Approach every conversation with respect and compassion. When things have changed and you are now facing the decline of your parent’s health, acknowledge that it is difficult for everyone. For everyone’s interest, including that of your parent(s), and to model to your own children, speak and act with compassion and respect for what everyone is going through.
4. Reprimand in private. Recognize in public. There may be times when you are not happy with how someone is or is not participating in showing up for your parent (according to your expectations – hopefully you have agreed upon expectations so this is not a factor). If you feel you need to say something to share how you are displeased, do so privately, in person or on the telephone. Avoid using text messages or email to communicate your frustrations. Pick up the phone or meet in a private room. State how you are feeling without blame, remembering to be respectful and compassionate for what they are also going through. Do not involve others, rally or make your frustration what does not belong to them.
On the flip side, recognize in front of others your thanks, your appreciation and your gratitude. Bring others into the celebration of recognizing someone for showing up and being there for you and your loved ones. This will go a long way for you and for them.
5. Remember that your time is limited – do not waste it. So often we feel that what we are going through needs to be fixed when in essence it’s a time to be fully present to savour and enjoy the time that is left as a family with your loved ones. Do not waste your time on things that are not important. Focus on what you can do to be present and engaged while showing up for your loved ones and family.
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