I caught a glimpse of him sitting on his favourite chair staring at his books. I wondered what he was thinking as I looked in the direction that he was facing.
The room was framed with wall-to-wall bookshelves of books on every subject imaginable; from history books to science and technology, to self-help and gardening. There was not a subject that was missing from the proud display of books.
I knew from our experience together that this would be one of the hardest rooms for Mr. Smith to sort. He had lost his wife to cancer only a few short years ago and now he was moving into another home, a new home, to start the next chapter of his life.
This was not an easy transition for him. He loved his books. And he loved his wife. Both were ever so very important to him.
For him, the books were a comfort and they represented the different chapters in the story of the life he and his wife shared as they raised their two daughters. How could he possibly let go of his books? How could he possibly let go of the stories and the memories that this room held, that each book told in the story of his life?
As I put my hand gently on his shoulder, I stood by his side and enjoyed the view with him.
When he was ready, he looked up at me and we began to sort one shelf at a time, one story at a time, one memory at a time.
I’m often reminded of this experience when I’m working with clients who are facing really tough transitions. How do you let go of what means so much to you?
Whether you are downsizing your home and moving to another, or decluttering and organizing the rooms in your house, or dividing property after a separation, a divorce or a death in the family, it’s never easy to let go of the things that we feel bring us closer to the people that we love and the times that mean so much to us.
So how do you do it? How do you let go?
1. Be gentle on yourself: Know that this is not an easy time for you. You should not be putting additional pressure on yourself by expecting you to force yourself through this experience with bravado and cheerfulness. Take your time. Move through each object, each space, each room knowing that each step is a big step that is leading you to the end result you seek. Be kind, be gentle and be patient with yourself and others. You are moving forward.
2. The object is not the person or the memory: I see this all the time. Objects become symbols of the people they miss and the times they long to relive. Knowing that an object is not the person or experience itself but a representation of that person or that experience will allow you to give yourself permission to let it go. You can take a photograph of the object and relive the experience or remember the memory by looking at the photograph rather than keeping the objects. Despite this being one major challenge that many go through, once on the other side, you’ll realize that it’s ok to let it go.
3. Let go of any shame you may be feeling: Shame often comes up when we are working through physical objects that are being let go. Often there is a sense of having not been the person you wanted to be, or should have been or could have been. There’s a tremendous heaviness of not having been good enough or not being enough that weighs heavily. Instead, know that you are good enough, were enough and you did the best that you could at that time, knowing what you knew then. Hindsight is always 20/20 and rather than turn against yourself, or others, let those feelings go with compassion and love for yourself and others.
4. Let go of the guilt you put upon yourself: Guilt can be very good as it allows us to see that we have done something wrong and we can make it better. However, when we are looking at the past, and often the distant past, we feel like we cannot forgive ourselves or others and carry the weight of guilt with us. This is very damaging to you, to others and to the letting go process. Instead, choose the perspective that you can move forward knowing that the past experiences are here to help us grow and move forward.
5. Envision the new experiences that await: The positives that come with letting go are in creating space, literally and figuratively, for what is yet to come. By letting go you are giving yourself the opportunity to bring in the new, the exciting, the helpful and the loving. It may be hard to say goodbye to some things but knowing that what is yet to come will be most helpful and nourishing to you and your life. Be hopeful and open to what is coming your way.
As with Mr. Smith and many of our clients, the letting go process brings up so many emotions, memories and experiences that are painful and challenging to get through. If you find that you or a loved one are having difficulty letting go of the things in your life, remember that it’s ok to give yourself permission to stop, be gentle on yourself, let go of shame and guilt and look forward to what is yet to come. Acknowledge that it is a challenging experience and know that once you take the first step, and then another and then another, you will find yourself moving forward and getting through it.
Should you require assistance or have questions, please do not hesitate to contact me by sending an email or call the office at 613-627-4438.
You do not have to do it alone. My team and I are here to help.
