Are You Holding On For All the Wrong Reasons?

We were staring at a closet full of clothes, shoes, handbags and other stuff. As she looked at me, I could tell that she was struggling just to admit that this was her mess.

“You can do this Sandra. I know it looks like a daunting and excruciating task, but I promise that by the end of our session today, you will feel like so much weight has been lifted from your shoulders.”

“I hope so,” she said as we began sorting through the first rack of clothes.

Letting go of our possessions can be very difficult. In fact, letting go in general can feel next to impossible.

John W. Bowlby is the pioneer of what is called the Attachment Theory. As he studied children and their relationship to their mothers, he determined that our deep attachment comes from our primal need of  security, comfort and having our basic needs of food and shelter met. As children were taken from their mothers, they felt the pain of being separated by what they loved and counted on so dearly.

As we age, the attachment to our mothers and to our parents lessens as we become more independent and we are able to fill those needs with other people and things in our lives. Often, those needs of comfort and security are met with things, or at least we feel the things, and the people, in our lives meet those needs.

If they are taken away from us, without us having the opportunity to let them go ourselves, a void is created and the desire to fill that void is primal. We can’t live with the emptiness therefore we need to fill it – with food, alcohol, spending on things, etc. The desire to feel the comfort and security that was lost is so strong that we turn to things and people that are not in our best interest. Obviously, not a good strategy for living a happy and fulfilling life.

Instead, when you are faced with letting go, whether it’s the physical stuff that is in your life, or the way you think about someone or something, or if you are grieving and going through a major life transition, here are three things you can do to help you let go and fill the void from the inside-out:

1. Awareness: Become aware that you are facing letting go and the desire to hold on tightly is because you are afraid of what you will lose. Ask yourself:
a. What is missing?
b. What void am I trying to fill?
c. What am I afraid to lose?
Do the answers to the questions relate to security, comfort and your basic needs for survival? Or do the answers relate to something else? Become aware of what it is you are wanting to hold onto, the real truth behind holding on, and acknowledging what it is you are afraid to lose or the void that will be left if you let go.

2. Action: Movement will get you from feeling stuck and overwhelmed to making a decision that will move you forward. Start where it’s easiest, especially when you are faced with letting go of something very emotionally taxing and difficult. Choose an area, make one small decision, do one thing that you know you can do and recognize that the action you are taking is a positive one.

3. Audacity: To fill the void of letting go, you will need the audacity, the strength, the power, the commitment to yourself to say yes to the right things and no to the wrong things. You will feel an overwhelming desire to fill the feeling of emptiness or that there is something missing by adding something else or numbing the pain with something on the outside. Instead, focus on what truly matters and what is most important and fill the void from the inside-out by saying yes to the right things and no to the wrong things. Tap into your power, the courage from within and be committed to yourself to move forward in a way that honours you and those around you.

One piece of clothing at a time, one story at a time, one emotion at a time, Sandra and I made it through the decluttering and downsizing of her closet. She acknowledged that much of what she bought no longer served her and that what she wanted was only half of what was in her closet. She wanted to feel better about herself and by keeping the items that she loved and fit her well, she felt strong and empowered again.

Letting go is not easy but there are strategies you can use to help you through the process. Be aware of the reason you are holding on and what you fear you will miss. Then take small actions to move yourself forward to honour what you are letting go.